Disclaimer: Let me first apologize for any wild generalizations I might make during the course of this story/rant. They are based on my experiences and every rule has an exception. Also, try not to think any less of me because of my handling of certain citations throughout the evening, hind sight is 20/20.
So, last week I’m doing my daily shopping, debating how quickly I can eat cottage cheese and how long it will last without refrigeration, when this guy walks up to me with a blue orchid. He starts asking me my opinion about plants for some housewarming he’s going to and I, being a nice person, play along (though it might be the sloppiest pick up line ever attempted). He seems like a nice enough guy, tall outgoing and all that. As if trying to give me as much background as possible, the guy starts telling me random bits of info, and then says the one thing that will make me turn tail and run: “I’m a chef.”
My mother was a waitress for eighteen years, I worked in every level of food service, from bartender and waitress to bar back and manager, for ten years. I have dated my fair share of chefs. I’ve also been the girl that hangs out on the loading dock listening to the married guys talk about the chick they met online last week or the waitress they’re playing on the side. I have not had good luck with chefs, which is why they top my “no list” (No chefs, no one shorter then me, and no drunks).
Eventually he asks for my number and I’m about to recite my standby (*big smile* “I don’t think my boyfriend would be ok with that”) but am stopped by two thoughts:
- Going on a date would get my little sister off my back. She thinks I'm romantically stunted
- And I could use this as research for The Tuckerbag
Skip ahead to the date. We’re going to play a form of Where’s Waldo: I’m going to recount the evening and you’re going to look for where this guy went wrong. I'll help you out, just in case you have trouble.
He wants to take me to dinner so we meet in the park downtown. This made picking me up at my "front door" unnecessary. I assume that we’re going to a restaurant downtown but he suggests a place about ten minutes away, so we get in his car and start driving. We make smalltalk on the way and one of his first questions is “do you smoke weed.” Not a totally stupid question but is it really first date material? I tell him no, but I have no problem with it. After a few more minutes the guy says that he’s really not that hungry and why don’t we get some pizza instead. So now I know he's a tool because, having asked me out, he's made no concrete plans. Please keep in mind that this is not a real date for me, just a form of research, so I’m interested to see where this goes. We go to a pizza place, he walks up to the counter and orders two slices to go, then turns to me and says “do you want anything?” I’m a little confused as to why we aren’t eating there, plus their pizza looks gross, so I decline. Is this amateur night? We can't even sit down and chat? Isn't that what a date's for?
We get in his car and he brings me to his place. Yeah, you heard me. He brings a first date to his basement studio apartment that he shares with three other guys who luckily were not there or I would have run like hell. So he sits down on his bed with his pizza, takes out his water bong, and he starts a movie (American Gangster). So I'm not getting food and we're not talking. What makes this a date? He offers me tequila, vodka, or (grudgingly) wine. I take the wine served in a frosty beer mug. I don't mind that the guy doesn't own wine glasses or that he served me a generic and over chilled charoney, but this is why you take a date OUT to eat. At this point I’m thinking WTF have I gotten myself into here. We watch some of the movie and eventually I make it clear that this is not my idea of a date. He suggests that we go to a bar downtown and have a few beers, which we do. It’s during this time that he starts getting handsy. I take the opportunity to tell him all about my vehicle dwelling situation. He answers with vaguely interested sounds and I’m honestly not sure he was listening at all. We get two beers and then he suggests we move on to somewhere else. Once in the car he decides he’d rather go home and watch the rest of the movie. I think we all know why he wanted to go back to his place, so I won’t go into that episode. Needless to say he didn’t get what he was looking for and brought me back to campus. I’d told him I had a meeting at 9pm to give myself an out should the evening go sour. Within thirty minutes of dropping me off I he was sending me lude photos and texts.
What happened to romance? What happened to taking her to dinner and awkwardly kissing her on the doorstep? Is it completely dead when a guy doesn't think he has to put in any effort at all?
Here are some quotes from my evening
- “I knew this guy who played field hockey and he was really good, but he was playing against a bunch of girls so, you know, he should be”
- “I don’t read. I want to live my life, not read about someone else’s”
Tips for my date:
- Chef and Line cook are not synonymous and don't brag about being free on weekends, it means you can't be trusted with a real dinner service.
- I’m not 13, I don’t want to hang out in your basement
- Do not rub my back at bars, it’s disconcerting and awkward and I don't know where your hands have been
- If you’re going to ask me questions, try to sound slightly interested by the answers, even if you're not
- Don't start making plans for later in the week within the first 30 minutes of the date.
- Try to discreetly mention your name a few times throughout the evening just so I remember it because... I don't (maybe Chris? Nick? hmmm...)
- I do not date men who own Pomeranians. Get a real dog.
- Lady bits are pretty. Man bits are not. I don’t want photos of it.
- It's fine that all you want is to get laid, but put a little effort into the wooing because you're way more desperate than I am.
- If you ask a girl if she smokes weed and she says no then try to restrain yourself from smoking, at least while your with her. Nothing is more annoying then talking to a stoned date when your not
So that's the story. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I will of course be adding a Dating While Vehicle Dwelling post, but it will be almost entirely through interviews and hands off research.