March 3, 2012

You must be kidding

Have I ever told you how my sister handles break ups? She moves towns, sometimes even states, and many a decent apartment has been forfeited so that she would not run into her exes at, say, the supermarket.

You guessed it. I ran into Chris-maybe-Nick at the grocery this afternoon. He's not my ex; we went on one horrible date back in September, a social experiment which cemented my hatred of cooks and reminded me why I drank heavily through my last relationship (go ahead, read about it).

For those of you just tuning in, we call him Chris-maybe-Nick because, even during the hellish date, I couldn't remember what his name was, but decided that it was either one or the other... maybe. So in late October I ran into Chris-maybe-Nick again, still grocery shopping at the same place (obviously chicks dig the cheese aisle). The riveting conversation that followed was somewhat painful but, despite my obvious disdain, Chris-maybe-Nick texted arguing for another chance.

He didn't get that chance. What he did get was a verbal kick in the gonads and a two word text making it clear I was uninterested.

The texts stopped.

After that episode I admit I shopped down the street for a while, but was eventually enticed back to Stop & Shop by their tasty Mediterranean bar. I entered the grocery store like a caveman popping his head out from the rocks to scan for predictors. I could be through the store in under three minutes, always keeping my eyes peeled for the awkward confrontation I was sure would be the price of my stuffed olives and mozzarella balls.

I'd like to say that my Bond like powers of observation became second nature, but after a few weeks I couldn't have described the color of the cashier's uniform. I let my guard down and went about my business for four months. Until today (dun dun dun...).

Let's see: the first time was the cheese aisle, the second was the produce section, and today was the bakery. Credit where credit's due; I've never run into Chris-maybe-Nick buying soda or a box of mac and cheese. I was picking out what I hoped was the biggest dinner roll from the bakery display when I hear "heeeeyyy" in that soft and slightly feminine slur that was the first count against him. And there he was, trying to make small talk like I never told him off. To bump into a failed date is one thing, but to see it on the other side of the store and seek it out seems masochistic. He could have slipped on by, I certainly would have were the roles reversed. But no, he was right back at it, asking what I was doing later and if I wanted to get a drink.

I'm not a mean person and telling him off for a third time would have felt like bunting a chubby hamster out a penthouse window. Instead I left it ambiguous: I have a lot going on, it's my last semester, the usual stuff.

An hour and three incoming texts later and I'm wondering if I should have hit him with a baguette and run screaming so there would be no room for misinterpretation.


  1. Some people don't take a hint no matter what. You could scream in his face and he would just see that as "no chance right now" instead of no chance in hell.

    I dated a few women like that, I wish I had advice that I know would work. Maybe a kick in the crotch and telling him you're gay? Neither might work but the first would feel good, the second might actually make him even more interested....

    See, I'm no help at all.... :)


  2. It is a good thing your moving soon, but don´t completly swear off all cooks

  3. As a man I would just recommend that you keep it polite. Tell him you have someone else right now, but thanks for asking. What good does it do to show him you can be a bitch - he will just give payback to another women, then it goes back and forth.
    Generally men who are total A holes - had some women some where , some how treat them like dirt !! It's mostly the person that was really severely bullied who goes to the schoolyard to take revenge.
    Of the Men who grow up without fathers many end up in jails, women without fathers also have many different and severe issues. It's just better to be polite, one day 30 years from now someone will thank you for your kindness !! Better then to seek you out to take revenge.

  4. No ambiguity, just tell him to get the hell off...and don't come back! You'll feel better, and he will get the idea...

  5. Anonymous,

    Just wow... always somebody to blame things on right? Men who are aholes, women who are aholes are just that, AHOLES. My father was/is an ahole, he has nobody to blame that on but himself. If we were to follow you then I would be an abusive wife abusing child abusing boozer because my father was and that's all I knew growing up.

    Being an individual I chose to be better than him, it's a choice everybody makes. Period, if I chose to become like my father is that his fault or mine?

    This mental midget giving Ash a hard time won't learn from somebody being nice to him, as seen by this story. They don't learn and they have nobody to blame that on but themselves.

    If I were Ash, I'd tell the guy get out of my face and the answer is no now, no tomorrow and no forever so go away. Unfortunately in todays age it's not that simple so Ash will need to figure out if this guy can handle it since today society finds excuses for these aholes so they can act the way they do and continue to get away with it, because it's always soembody elses fault.

    Sorry Ash, but Anonymous needs to get a clue.


I love mail so leave a message, ask a question, or give me some advice. You can also email me at